I love it when you learn a new lesson; things come up in front of your face to help you better understand. I am watching gossip in a new light because I am studying the Lojong, and it has been inspiring and fascinating to me. Lojgons are Buddhist sayings or slogans that train our minds and cultivate positive mental habits.

 Recently I was able to learn more about the Lojong don’t ponder others, which is about not talking badly about ourselves or others. I call it gossip or self-gossip. Basically, it talks about how we don’t need to focus so much on undesirable qualities. It is about trying not to focus on what is wrong with everybody because it prevents you from seeing what is right and good about them, oh and you.

Here is what I know about gossip: It simply creates a hostile environment. Most people who gossip are either hurt or angry, so they must share their stories with others in hopes that they can get people to take their side. Divide and conquer. Gossiping about others gives people an audience, which means you get attention from people when you talk about others, and it lifts you to get attention by talking about others.

I once had a friend, and all she did was gossip, it was not healthy for me to maintain such a friendship, so I let go. I recall once she was sick, and we dropped her off some soups and other healing foods. She thanked us and proceeded to start talking about other people. I quickly told her that we do not listen to gossip, but she continued her endless stream of words about others. I asked her to please stop, but she continued. I finally just drove off.

Here is the thing: When we gossip, we fertilize our minds with negativity and judgment. We are creating a great opportunity for judgment to come through. Perhaps because those who gossip or share and tell on people are angry themselves, and so they need to create an environment that will suit their anger and hurt. When people talk about others, they harm others. They do this as it keeps them occupied so they do not have to look at their own hurt, anger, and pain.

I do not know why, but when we talk about others, it upsets me. I think it was I talked about other people behind their back and pondered them. It was not until I discovered loving, kindness, compassion, and empathy that I stopped not only talking about others, but I refused to listen to gossip. In meditations, I began to understand that we cut others down so we do not have to focus on our own selves, and we no longer have to look at our own flaws because we are too busy displaying other people’s flaws.

I am feeling pretty grown up these days, in my almost 66 years of life. I have no need to talk negatively about others or listen to people talk about others. Good grief, it is not being in a place of love or compassion! The truth is, when you talk about others behind their backs, your ego is giving you tons of reinforcement by making you think you are better than someone else. This tells you that gossip ego driven.

Don’t get me wrong, talking about others is a normal part of being human and is how we try to understand each other. However, keep in mind it is how we talk about others. If we are negative about others all the time, it starts to feed into the social pecking order of the people in our lives. I once was talking to a friend, and he started to gossip. I told him I do not listen to gossip, and he said, “Well, what are we supposed to talk about.” At that very moment, I realized they had low self-esteem, and I understood through compassion that they had a distorted self-image of their own self. I also realized they had nothing to talk about in their life besides others, and compassion filled me.

If we were to look at our own selves and do so with objectivity, we would not dwell on other people’s faults. It reminds me of an Eric Clapton song I used to play, and there was a lyric that said, “Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.” To walk a better path, we need to stop pondering others. It only dirties your side of the street, not theirs! Gossip is destructive on many levels, and at the core, it is about how insecure you are about your own self, so take the time to make sure your own ducks are in a row before you try to arrange other people’s ducks behind their backs. I suspect others will trust you more so you can all walk in peace….