I see this in my office frequently and I have also been affected by the social undermining bully. Some people end up on antidepressants and medications because of these type of bullies. So let’s talk about them and see how you can STOP these people from causing you pain and disruption in your life. There is no need to medicate yourself because of bullies. Let’s look at what they are and how you can rise above with self-love.

The social undermining bully can be found in such places as a work environment, organizations you volunteer for, a support group, home life such as a family member and amongst friends. Social undermining, which is a form of bullying, uses negativity to weaken a person’s talents, abilities, goals or successes. They can undermine you by putting down your skills or attributes, questioning you, passing rumors about you, and trying to make you look bad so they look good.

People who social undermine have several traits to watch out for. First, you are not their only target. They do it to others and people notice it, but rarely do anything about it. Many people feel defensive around these kind of bullies and people feel like they have to prove something to these type of bullies and you never are quite sure how you can please them or their bystanders.  There is the problem, you cannot please them because they are so unpleased with their own selves. They want power and control over you because they lack it in their own lives.

These type of bullies are very judgmental and they like to gossip and spread things about you so they can be liked and not deal with their own behaviors. They will reach out and do more things, just to make you look bad and to make sure they have plenty of people “needing” them.  They tend to disguise gossip as a caring conversation and judge others behind their back, sometimes quite publically.  They tend to use their compliments almost as an insult. What is even worse is they try to sell themselves as supportive and helpful but the truth is, these types of bullies often target persons who are particularly skilled or competent, viewing them as competition, and compensating for their own weaknesses.

Social undermining bullies often have bystanders that listen and support their behaviors and they tend to be insecure, often have serious low self-esteem, few likable qualities, and unhappy home lives. In fact, they tend to be loners when not with their bystanders and overcompensate. So how do you deal with these kind of people? You can do what I have done with several of my social undermining bullies. Approach them and know that it normally backfires, as they make sure you look bad, not them. You can tell others what is going on, however the social undermining bully goes out of their way to be important so you will not have a leg to stand on.

In most situations, communication should be your first line of defense. Try talking to someone, writing letter or even asking for mediation. If it is family, try getting family support by someone who is not the target of the social undermining bully.  If that particular line of defense does not help, no matter how much you like the people around the bully, or the environment, whether it is work, an organization, friends or family circle, you have to learn to walk the higher grounds. If you have exhausted all the resources, the best thing you can do is limit your time around the bully and their bystanders or simply walk away.

In some ways, social undermining bullies can be motivating. They say the best “revenge” is to do something great. So walk away, use their negatives and their dislike of you to motivate you to do important things. We all have to deal with social undermining bullies in family, amongst friends, in organization or at work. It is easy to just “take it.” However, it is more empowering to make something great of yourself and walk the higher grounds.

Do not let the social undermining bullies or any bully get the best of you. There are things you can do to make what happened to you to be a motivation factor in all you do. Do not be their victim! Rise above with self-love and do something that makes you and others happy healthy and provides you with the things you enjoy most in life.